Even after all this time, I still get lost in the madness of the journey.
It happens so easily. One day, I’m healing and improving myself, peacefully feeling the momentum of my actions leading me to higher and better places. Each day a disciplined routine filled with actions towards goals, and inspiration pouring through of the possibilities that can emerge if I keep going.
Then the next day, it all comes tumbling down. My stomach breaks again with pain, my ability to eat reduces due to a health crisis. With this one piece, I immediately fall back into darkness. Am I going to get better? What is the problem here? Why is this happening?
And with that pain, I again go deep into places of emotions and questions. My routine now in the trash. It clearly wasn’t working, otherwise I wouldn’t be facing another health crisis!
This may not be making much sense, so let me put it into really simple terms.
A little Background
I’ve gone through plenty of physical difficulties over the years. In fact, I’d say that the physical difficulties are what have driven me to keep going, deeper into myself, in search of a cure, some remedy, something I’ve been missing.
One such difficulty is that of my digestive system. I’ve had difficulty eating foods for a long time, reducing my food variety and quantity to almost nothing. Also, when I eat food, I would get pain, and at times, excruciating pain that keeps me up all night.
What would you call it? A medical term? I gave up on those terms as representations of what I’m going through a long time ago, though you might be able to think of it as IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), IBD (Irritable Bowel Disorder), Crohns, or maybe none of those. Frankly, why even have something called IBS and IBD separately? Just cool acronyms that point to a complex situation that does not have a simple answer, at least for me.
Anyway, this is more about the effects of the problem than the problem itself, so let me turn to the emotional upheaval I’m experiencing.
Frustration. Frustration from having to deal with this for so many years, still not finding a cure. Frustration for having to journey around the world, going deeper into myself. Frustration from thinking that finally, after a long time, it’s over, the physical issue is over, and I can attempt to live a ‘normal’ life.
I did everything! Exercised daily for 3 hours to rehabilitate, ate the simplest of foods, took daily measurements for months to make sure I don’t regress. Yet I regressed, in-spite of all my best efforts.
So, for the last few weeks, I just sat, pondered, wondered, and slipped into emotional turmoil.
The Turmoil
You hear stories of people who spend the last of their cash, went to the final place, and finally found their cure. You hear stories of people who came to a great realization, and then everything seemed to make sense, and things in their life took a quick turn around.
Yeah, the first part of their stories are the same as mine, though the second part definitely does not go in the positive way. This fuels my frustrations.
As I go through the emotions of frustration, it begins to unravel, like an ugly gift that has been put together shabbily.
How do I continue forward with no stability in this body? How can I make progress in a direction, when I have to be careful of my every meal, and have such simple meals that contain nothing but simple carbs, vegetables, and some salt?
Trying to go forward in any direction is like carrying noisy, erratic, heavy luggage up a mountain. Pure stupidity. The pragmatic choice would be to deal with it before moving forward.
Will I ever get better? Can my desires, dreams, goals and aspirations be fulfilled? Do I need to give them up? Giving up is something I promised myself I would never do years ago, when I was going through another crisis. Maybe I need to give a few things up, just some of the dreams and desires? It hurts to think about not living life to the fullest.
Maybe I’ll just resort to feeling sorry for myself. Forget it. I’m pissed with the whole journey, and now where I stand. I’ll just sit here and get annoyed with everything. I’ll just wallow away. It seems easier.
In this madness of frustration for life not being the way I’d like, in the frustration of having to spend so much down-time doing nothing but recovering from my physical issues, I stay. I even meditate less some days, what’s the point really, I don’t see a way out of this.
So in these last 3 weeks or so, I sat with the emotion. I’m gently drawn to writings, podcasts, videos and movies that represent some part of the emotion.
Representations of Turmoil
You know those moments where you see something outside of yourself that resonates with you? You feel like it speaks to how you feel. It moves you. You may even cry from this.
That’s what happens to me usually. There were many things that resonated with me. One such movie was Tarzan. Right. Disney’s Tarzan, the original cartoon from 1999. Of all things.
So there I was watching scenes from Tarzan over the course of multiple days. I didn’t watch the whole movie. Just the scenes that speak to me. And I do this repeatedly for days, letting my emotions come out more and more, so I can observe them and deal with them.
Obviously there is music. Lots of it. Though two tracks stand out that I will share. One is Lost in Mind – Ben Bohmer & Malou (Volen Sentir Interpretation) and the other is All – Henry Green.
The lyrics of Lost in Mind are:-
Lost in my Mind
I fall but still try
To not lose my way
Go straight to find lights
It so amply summaries how I have been feeling. I can’t recall how many days I heard this song, letting it take me through this passage of emotion.
The track All – Henry Green, is what I’m writing this post to. I’m not sure what the lyrics are. I find the beginning 2 minutes to be soothing, like a balm bringing me a place of peace: a place of balance. Then, it gradually let’s go, and lets me becoming more energised in a direction, now that balance has been achieved.
With this last track, I feel myself coming back out of this passage of frustration.
Coming out of it
I feel I have come to a place of surrender. I will surrender to what life is today. I will accept what life is for me right now. I’ll do my best to live with it. But I won’t surrender my dreams. They will remain, patiently waiting.
Society makes it seem that we need to have reached certain milestones by a certain time. Then again, society has standardized life and given little heed to the individuals journey, difficulty and inner world.
I won’t go into theory here. Though if there is one thing I must say it is this. This is not the first time I’ve had to contend with an internal crisis. Nor will it be my last. So often, I wonder if I will ever come out of it. My mind simply can’t find a way out. And then, gradually, I resolve the emotion.
Does the physical issue go away? I never know. What I can control is how I see it, and how I come forward to life with it.
We don’t know how or when we will come out of the passage, what we can do is be with what is right now. Whatever that is. Be with whatever comes up, in fullness, exercising whatever tools at our disposal, and trusting the process.
Leave a Reply